Some time ago, I was engaged in regular correspondence with Chris “chris the cynic” Witham, during which he asked for my advice concerning fleas.
[...] And there are fleas. My house has been invaded by an army of fleas. For some reason they like the area around the computer. Do you know of any good ways to kill fleas, or anything that can make them stop biting until other things kill them off?
Being a helpful fellow, and knowledgeable in all things which are things, I threw together a quick “how-to” guide on dealing with a flea infestation. Redoubling my helpfulnessitude, I am now reproducing this guide here so that you too can benefit from my flea mastery.
[...] As for fleas, I suggest you find a dog or a cat and let them walk around for a few days. Fleas love them and will naturally gravitate towards them… If the fleas seem uninterested, you may want to look into feline/canine-safe magnets. Then when the fuzzbucket is completely covered, just open they door and their natural curiosity will cause them to immediately exit the building and get lost. You will then have to take precautions so that when Mr. Whiskers/Spot (Not ‘Spot) comes back they will think you moved away and will follow your “new mailing address” to somewhere in Alaska, and they will make a movie about it but change the ending so that you actually are at that address when they find it, and change the beginning so that you accidentally get separated from them, instead of sadistically using them as a disposable flea-vacuum.
Alternately, you could find an already-flea-ridden version of the above on the streets (shouldn’t be too hard to do, no matter where you live) and look directly at it’s withered husk. When it feels your eyes upon it, it will look longingly up at you, and you MUST HOLD ITS GAZE FOR 5 WHOLE SECONDS. I KNOW IT’S HARD BUT YOU MUST DO IT FOR THE GOOD OF SCIENCE. Then go back home, and the love-starved stray will be there with you, if not before (and assuming that it did not get hit by a car in its single-minded pursuit. If it did, you are going to have to try again, but go the opposite direction this time or you will deplete one area of its stray resources too quickly and they will never grow back the same. We must be careful to preserve a balance when we take from Mother Earth). Upon arrival at your infested domicile, place a plate of some sort of semi-edible organic matter at the edge of a tile floor. Be sure to position it at such an angle that the animal is in no way tempted to step onto carpeting or anything you actually like—YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET STRAY-SLIME ON YOUR SHIT; YOU WILL NEVER GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR SHIT. The wretched beast will shove its face into whatever biomatter you have prepared and noisily devour it. It may also devour the plate, as well as portions of the underlying tile, and red heart-shaped vapour pockets may optionally be released from anterior glands, unless their supplies of xenopheremones have been depleted by previous repetitions of this procedure and/or the animalian affliction commonly referred to as “Eeyore Syndrome.”
If not dealt with, fleas can grow to the size of a Chihuahua. Hey thanks Chris, you ruined tacos for everyone.
If nothing seems to be happening with your fleas and the organic material appears to not be enough to sustain the ravenous beast’s onslaught, do not worry, as there is a very high chance of the emaciated mongrel accidentally vomiting and/or sneezing a putrid payload and obliviously devouring that as well, which should buy more time, especially if this triggers additional occurrences of this phenomenon.
During this time, the animal’s own fleas will no doubt have wandered from its former home, in search of less matted and diseased fur, and an adequate amount should have found the carpet adjacent to your biological offerings. It is at this point that the intruding fleas will be instantly met by border patrols of your current parasitic residents. This will inevitably incite all-out gang warfare, swelling to incorporate the neighbouring kingdoms of Bedroom and Foyer. While the imported tribes are outnumbered significantly, they have been battle-hardened by their harsh nomadic lifestyle, and the defending forces have grown complacent and soft after the peace treaty with the subterranean inhabitants of Üntercouch, and the elimination of the rebellious Shag Carpet Group.
This battle will be epic, but you must not observe it directly. Instead, you must make certain that the animal which served as the vehicle for the encroaching parasites does not wander into the front lines and get caught in the crossfire. You will need to commission it as an exit vehicle after the dust clears. When the animal can no longer chew through whatever is directly below its face, it will look up at you, and you must once again hold its gaze. This is perhaps the most difficult part of this process, and you may need to disengage your soul and/or brain in order to avoid falling under the effects of The Eye. Do not go with the obvious tactic of punching yourself in the groin repeatedly, as this may cause your opponent to believe you are signalling for it to apply Claws-To-Testes, and it will be more than happy to oblige. Instead, it may be more effective to focus on that scene from the second Batman movie where the Crazy Cat Lady falls to her death and all sorts of cats swarm all over her mangled corpse, licking at the blood, nibbling on her tender bits, etc. Do not look kindly on the fact that they somehow reanimated her through the power of Feline Salve™; instead, remember that necromancy is a vile art, and there are government sanctions against it for a reason. You must trust in the greater wisdom of the Mages Guild, because who else can protect society/pillows from rats?
No matter which armed forces survive the apocalyptic battle, the result will be the same—the tiny group of survivors will have achieved their victory, but at a great cost. The once-life-giving lands over which they fought are now stained with the blood of their countrymen and can never be purified. Nor can the memories of their brave kinsmen being gruesomely cut down before their compound eyes fade from their heart so long as they inhabit these lands. Thus, like those before them, they must band together and submit to the life of Stateless Individuals, desperately grasping at whatever claims they can stake, to recapture some of their former glory.
WARNING: If only one flea survives this legendary war, you may have a Flea Highlander situation. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USHER FLEA HIGHLANDER TO THE FELINE OR CANINE VESSEL. You must respect Flea Highlander’s profound sadness and anger, as he is more ancient than you or I can possibly fathom, and each life he outlives brings back the memories of the countless others he has mourned. For more information, please see the pamphlet entitled “What to Do in Case of Flea Highlander” by the National Entomological Society.
To my original issuing of this advice, Christophicus had much to say.
[...] Your advice on what to do about fleas is … both unique and welcome.
I do not know whether he actually took my sage advice to heart, but as far as I know, he is still living today, so it stands to reason that he has.
